The scintillating life of Creative Director/ Variety Entertainer, Christian Fitzharris, and his never ending voyage to do everything in the world. ( at a respectful pace... of course)

Saturday, October 15, 2011


I think it is important that we rule our tools and not let our tools rule over us.

This is my hesitation with the release of the iPhone 4s and Siri. We are a society that has slowly been socially crippled by our enjoyment of technology. The appearance of the iPod allowed us to shut out other humans and invoke a state of musical intoxication whenever and wherever we wanted. The grocery store, the post office, and even walking with friends and family. This serves as a wall of separation and offers something similar to what we call “creative hiding” in the world of acting. Creative hiding is the use of a hat or hair to close off the expressions of our face. When you use the brim of a baseball cap to obstruct the full openness of your face you are masking your emotions and expressions to others around you. When you use an iPod with friends or family present you are employing an even deeper separation than that which is provided by a hat or long bangs in your face. The wall of music is complete in closing off all outside connections and the only way someone may make contact with you is through catching your attention visually or by physically touching you.

The iPhone brought a new level of technological obsession and solitude. One of the main reasons I didn’t want an iPhone, in the beginning, was that I didn’t want to become like all of my friends, staring into a small plastic box isolating social interaction. Instead of just checking your phone for the time minutes or hours can go by under the trance of information, games, social networking sites, and apps. Now it has become the norm to see couples in restaurants sitting silently with one another staring into their own individual entertainment systems instead of sharing thoughts, ideas, and opinions. Families have existed for generations on the sharing of opinions and differences as conversational fodder and each member of the family was better off because of it. I understand there is a positive aspect to the exchange of ideas on the internet. (I do have a podcast after all.) But with each generation of technology we are becoming more and more reliant upon these devices and in some cases handicapped by them. If you lost your cell phone right now how many phone numbers do you have memorized to be able to call someone for help? I know I only have a couple numbers memorized. We have become addicted to cell phones, which easily store all of our info for ease of use, but I no longer need to know phone numbers. I just select, “Mom” in my phone. Or even just say, “Mom” and my phone calls my mother. But if I were stranded and in danger without my techno pocket crutch, how would I call for help? We have become privileged to the point of passivity. Techno captivity.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Divination. What's your favorite?

Divination. What’s your favorite? Like donuts, they are all so beautiful in different ways. Tarot is the major contender, of course, because it has stood the test of time as a stronghold of reliability and depth. Also people like a book with pictures and The Book “T” has that in spades, I mean disks. There are also a wide variety of spreads for using tarot cards which make it adaptable for your personality. Unfortunately, I have a chronic habit of losing one card, just one card, from every tarot deck I have ever owned. (My current deck has to be sealed in a bag immediately after using.) But everyone knows I don’t play with a full deck!
As Tigger the Tarot reader used to sing while attending a tarot convention with Winnie the Seer, “The wonderful thing about tarot, tarot are wonderful things. There tops are spun out of DE-signs. There bottoms are made out of dreams.” You can use a deck of tarot cards to work the paths of the Tree of Life or to do dream invocation work, attracting the influences you want while sleeping. Specific tarot cards may be laid out as the Enochian Tablet of Union with interesting results. Regular playing cards may be used for readings as is popular and affordable to many. The tarot multitasking is virtually endless.

Now, holding more affection for me is the I-Ching. Whether you use Canadian coins, yarrow stalk, Chinese coins, painted rocks, or turtle shells, the I-Ching is a fantastic method of getting some pretty direct answers to your inquiries. There are also as many different methods to get your answers as there are paths to walk down to get home from your work. Are you a person who uses the three coin method or the six coin method? Do you embrace the “running line” or ignore it? I crafted some I-Ching sticks modeled after Aleister Crowley’s method given to Grady Mc Murtry. Jerry Cornelius has a great blog entry showing a picture of a set of sticks he made based on Mc Murtry’s sticks which were given to him by Crowley and they work really nice for me. There is also a great story Grady told Cornelius about Crowley devising his own methods using the I-Ching framework without using sticks or coins. Crowley would walk down the street stating his question to the universe and if the next person he encountered was a woman he chalked that up to be the equivalent to yin. If it was a man he came across he would be counted as yang. And so on until he had the requisite lines for the “reading” filled out. This is a very creative way of utilizing a divinatory system without needing pesky cards or coins. You could basically create your own system deducing your own methods and outcomes.
In my Golden Dawn work, I used geomancy for awhile with great results. If you have a chance to look at this method of divination I really recommend it because there are some fun things going on with the calculations of the reading. Originally, geomancy was drawn with a stick in the dirt, but now it is more “user friendly” to use the same method with a pen and paper. (Carrying sacks of dirt on the chance you may do a reading for someone really gets old. You have to have enough dirt to cover the table at Starbucks and you receive some seriously “dirty” looks. Get it? Right, let’s pretend this never happened.)
Maybe you’re more of a pendulum reader. Or a conch shell thrower. I even own a book on using a Rubik’s cube as a “Cube of Light” to do readings with! There are some fantastic divination systems out there. It’s all about finding which one works for what you’re doing and what feels right to a Magus like you.

Here's Cornelius' writing regarding Crowley's I-Ching sticks:

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The big "Bastille Day" gala for!

Two days away from the big fundraiser for and I’m still polishing material. No surprise there! You don’t hire a creative director who uses improvisational methods and expect any less.
Variety provides modified bicycles and other equipment to developmentally challenged kids to help them stay mobile and live normal lives. Every year they have an annual fundraiser to get money to help the children and this year they brought me on as event designer to help pull of the largest fundraiser they have attempted yet. Variety is an international charity and the Pittsburgh office is the original of a now global organization. This year’s event is scheduled for July 14th which falls on “Bastille Day”. The event organizer, Marilyn Caye, decided to pull out all the stops and make it a full on French themed extravaganza. The fundraiser takes place in a spacious mansion over looking the famous three rivers of Pittsburgh, high above, from atop the hill of Mt. Washington. The event is presented by the Honorary French Consul Jean-Dominique Le Garrec and has sponsors from all of the Pennsylvania corporate giants, all for a great cause. There will be food and wine tastings in the wine cellar presented by local executive chefs. An award winning performance of “Les Mis” will happen at intervals. Strolling musicians will add ambience to the pool area and outdoor grounds. A caricature artist will exaggerate your worst features and a mime will…do…mime stuff like mimic people and hopefully climb an invisible rope!
As the emcee, of sorts, (myself as) “Viceroy Nostril von Picklebau of the Salzburg Picklebau’s” will be holding court throughout the entire estate whirling the masses into a mystical magical frenzy of fantasy and French themed frivolity fantastically formulated to feed the fruitful fever of frightful fun.
Tickets are $300 a plate and proceeds go to the priceless purpose of providing precious people with the gift of mobility, self-confidence, and hope.

I am honored to be a part of this year’s wonderful group of organizers. Beauseant! As noble knights we charge forth with the wind at our backs and a firm grip on the sword of possibilities!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

My interview with Dr. Joe Gaiter.

The unedited Joe Gaiter interview! HE contacted me for an interview knowing my work in "Sister Act 2".

What is your view on life right now?

If you want to create the dream that you see for yourself you need to block out all other distracting or disempowering influences. You will not make it unless you are vigilantly self-confident and keep one leg in the real world and the other leg in your dreams. Even constructive criticism can chip away at your belief in yourself and lessen your ability to affect the change you see possible in the world.

Where did you grow up? Tell me about your childhood.

I was born in Bar Harbor, Maine, but I grew up in Santa Clara, California. I was the only comedian in the microchip generation out of the Silicon Valley. All of my friends and family were computer programmers and I.T people and I was the class clown. I started entertaining at the age of six performing for family and friends of the family. I would dress up in a suit with glasses and a cane and try to do a Brittish accent and perform for classmates and family members. I started practicing magic and doing magic tricks to “amaze” my audiences.

Where did you spend most of your teenage years? High school?

Santa Clara High School was my school. I infected every department of performance with my hammy entertainment addiction. At one point I was the Entertainment Commissioner of the school, the Drum Major of the marching band, the assistant conductor of the orchestra, active in choir and Barbershop Quartet, as well as being the President of the Drama Club. My hunger for show business was insatiable and my work ethic unstoppable.

Where did you go after high school?

I attended one semester of Foothill College in the Bay Area, but my grades lacked and I needed to perform. I did one play in that semester before my college career came to an end.

When did you begin acting?

I did one community production before the age of fifteen, but I really jumped into acting at the age of fifteen. My friends convinced me I was well suited to acting because I was funny. I was cast in the school play, “The Diary of Anne Frank”.
Acting was different than what I had been doing because you had “lines” and a director. I did my best and received the award for “Most Improved Actor” (which is a polite way of saying I was inexperienced and got better as the production moved on.)

We all remember you on “Sister Act 2”. How did you get that role?

I was in the hospital for asthma. My mom found a flyer for a workshop to get an agent in San Francisco. I went to the workshop and the agent signed me. The second audition she sent me on was for “Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit”. I went through a series of auditions in San Francisco and Los Angeles.
I was up for the part of “The White Guy Who Thinks He’s Black Because he can rap.” In L.A it came down to David Faustino (Married with Children), Mark Wahlberg (Marky Mark and the Funky bunch- Boogie Nights- The Departed etc.) and me.
Instead of pitting us together in a fight to the death, the writers created a new role for me and my comedy background as the class nerd. I received a phone call telling me I got the job while my parents were away at the bottom of the Grand Canyon on vacation. By the time they called to see how I was doing I was living in a plush Hollywood community provided by Disney Pictures. We did everything during the filming. Singing on the soundtrack under the direction of Mervyn Warren of “Take 6” (the gospel group), filming throughout L.A, and taping the Disney Channel music video on the old Charlie Chaplin stage at AMG studios. It was a true honor. I made some great friends and had a fantastic time. More of the details will be in my upcoming book to be published later this year.

How long have you done stand-up comedy?

Right before “Sister Act 2” I studied stand-up with a great teacher Neil Lieberman in S.F. He got me started on my way and I followed up in Los Angeles at comedy clubs and under the teachings of Judy Carter, author of “The Stand Up Comedy Handbook”. I was honored to perform in the historic Bay Area “Holy City Zoo” as well as “The Improv” and “The Comedy Store” in Hollywood. My influences were Sam Kinison, Pee-Wee Herman, Bobcat Goldthwait, Robin Williams, Amazing Johnathan, Penn & Teller,and Andy Kaufman.

Tell us about your work with Cirque du Soleil.

To start this story I must transport us back in time. Back to 1991, when I was seventeen years old. My family took me to see Cirque du Soleil’s “Nouvelle Experience” in San Jose. The only thing I remember about seeing this show was it’s extravagant production and the funniest/harshest clown I had ever seen. He was so funny and provocative to his volunteers. Cut to fifteen years later (2006) and this same man, personally, hired me to be a clown in his Cirque du Soleil produced show, “KOOZA”. I co-created the two ten minute clown acts in the show and toured North America for four years performing with this incredible production.

What do you want your legacy to be?

The word “legacy” presupposes leaving an impression, and I will be lucky if I do. Mostly I am here to see my own vision of possibility to manifestation. If I can do that I will be very lucky. The journey of “The Clown” is one of varying degrees of enlightenment and he still clumsily messes everything up. I am honored to just be able to entertain every demographic of human existence in varying ways.
I am working to make people happy and informed and anything else is gravy. If I can continue to achieve this, I will be a very satisfied entertainer.

What are you working on currently?

I have created an entertainment company in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and continue to teach workshops/Master Classes, and do variety performance all over the globe. My memoir will be published later this year, which traces some of the bizarre and hilarious stories of my life in entertainment and the spiritual path.

Joe Gaiter can be found at:

Friday, July 1, 2011

Dead words.

"...on bad days I have only dead words, and they are so corpse-heavy that I cannot write with them, not even a letter. Is that bad, weak? And yet God wills it so with me..."- Rilke

Emotion from Rilke.

"...all emotions are pure which gather you and lift you up; that emotion is impure which seizes only one side of your being and so distorts you. Everything that you can think in the face of your childhood, is right. Everything that makes more of you than you have heretofore been in your best hours, is right. Every heightening is good if it is in your whole blood, if it is not intoxication, not turbidity, but joy which one can see clear to the bottom. Do you understand what I mean?"
-Rainer Maria Rilke, "Letters to a Young Poet"

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Plain truth from Nietzsche.

"I believe that artists often do not know what they can do best: they are too vain. They are intent on something prouder than these small plants seem to be which grow on their soil, new, strange and beautiful, in real perfection. What is ultimately good in their own garden and vineyard they esteem lightly, and their love and insight are not equal."


"Dreams into Action"

"Dreams into Action: Getting what you want" by Milton Kateselas Copyright 1996

This book was referred to me by my close friend and mentor,Robert Urich. We used to read aloud in his study from "Letters to a young Poet" by Rainer Maria Rilke. It was a very unique experience hearing Robert's mellifluous baritone read these great artistic words of encouragement. He would read awhile and then pass a particular section over to me to read aloud. Eventually we moved on to "Dreams into Action" by Milton Katselas, who held Master Classes at The Beverly Hills Playhouse. Robert and his wife Heather were adamant about how much I would benefit from attending classes with Milton. They really thought I could gain a lot from going to The Playhouse and plied me with wine and encouragement from the living room of their family vacation home outside of Toronto, Canada. I decided to give it a try and Robert made the request for me to be accepted into The Beverly Hills Playhouse's next open class. With The Urich's vouching for me I was a shoe in, and started class within a month of returning from Canada.

The ideas and stories Milton talks about in his classes and writes about in this great book have the power to change your life. He is patently persuasive while being pertinently practical. (It must be because he grew up in a Greek family in Pittsburgh, Pennyslvania where age Appalachian wisdom meets steel mill common sense!) "Dreams into Action" is a quick easy read ,but the real challenge is doing the exercises and uprooting the problem areas of your life. It is a courageous task to take on and Milton is a warm friend talking you through it the whole way. If you are looking for that self help book that doesn't insult your intelligence and scratches at the areas we try to hide and ignore, "Dreams into Action" is for you. But don't let Milton catch you sleeping on your homework or he may enlist you in "Terrorist Theater" so that you get on the fast track to overcoming your fears and defeating the snake that lurks beneath your insecurities. For the discerning autodidact in all of us.

Rest in Peace, Milton and Robert. I'm sure Master Class is rollicking now.

Smile! Your immortal.

I must've been asked to pose in thousands, even tens of thousands of pictures over my many years performing in shows all over the world. People want to capture memories and moments and lock them in technology to be relived later in a different location of geography and time. You may not even be in a "show" and are still asked to be in pictures with guests at your work place. A lively conversation with the couple at the table next to yours may turn into a quick picture and plans to meet again in the future. If you work in the food service industry you are often included in photos with the birthday boy or girl or even their parents and grandparents. But you never know where these pictures end up.

Sure most of them sit on hard drives or in undeveloped film canisters at the bottom of a drawer or box, but a few are chosen to be incarnated and sealed within the records in a family room or on a homemade calendar on a senior family members refrigerator. Others are lost in boxes over years marinading in the moist heavy air of a dark basement under the darkness of Martha Stewart magazines and recipes, ever to be estranged from human palettes. The most elite of all of these photographs captures the person in a passing moment everyone wants to remember them by. That look on their face. The restriction in the muscles smiling. The plastic time cementer encasing racing moments. Paused glowing and frozen.

Somewhere a picture of you taken in a public place may be sitting in a frame on a vodou altar after your dead. You don't want to look like a jackass for eternity, so give us a smile worthy of an immortal.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Merci, Cirque du Soleil's Totem!

I want to thank everyone in Cirque du Soleil's "Totem" for having me as a guest today to teach my "Clown and Movement" class in the Artistic tent. I was surprised how many people came in to work early to take part in the class. Thank you so much! We had a lot of fun and crammed a lot of material into an hour and a half.
Everyone was so attentive and committed to doing the exercises and I really appreciated that.
What a fantastic group of people! Thank you so much, Melanie for having me. And thank you cast members who gave me your energy and personalities so freely today.

I really had a great time and I hope you gained a lot as well.
All the best!


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The controversy of "Common" and the White House.

Rapper "Common" being invited to the White House. A dicey zig zag of a line.
Everyone is laying the responsibility upon "Common", but the mistake and lack of forethought is the fault of the White House.
I like "Common". His personality and music is pretty tame in comparison to the rest of the hip hop world. (But we shouldn't measure success against lack of failure either.) "Common" has some lyrics that advocate violence against the police, but I doubt he has been in a police abuse case. Yet.
I listen to heavy metal, crazy screaming murder music, and quiet relaxing music as well. I think music is a release and gives the listener a safe way to rebel and throw off pent up emotions by becoming the subject of the music they are listening to.
It is fantasy. Music should you take you to another place real or imagined. We listen for entertainment. Period.
There is a very clear distinction between taking responsibility for your words as an artist and passively accepting an invitation to perform at The White House.

I believe "SCHOLAR The Rapping Occultist" should not be invited to the White House, but Christian Fitzharris is available and awaiting the invite.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Check out my You Tube videos.

If you would like to check out my You Tube videos go here:

I usually post new comedy pieces or magic routines at this link as well.
The world's a stage...don't waste the audiences time!


A follow up with Nacho!

After writing the previous blog I contacted Nacho to tell him how much I enjoyed his work on this piece he calls, "I Miss You!" portraying a real life version of "Bert" from Sesame Street. He got back to me with this friendly e-mail. (He communicates in English well. He is from Spain.)

"Hi christian,
Thank you very very much for your kind of words and compliments, that is too much for me.
It means a lot for me coming from such a great artist like you; i t is really a pleasure to read your words because you´ve understood what I want to show in my piece.
It is always confortable to see such a good reactions of people about the piece, that´s because we are working on it, is it?.
It has been a great surprise you are an artist of Cirque d Soleil, and a really great artist ( I heve been seeing your youtube videos)

Please when you are in Spain , let me know..(redacted)
Thanks again for your words and continue making the people happy with your art.

Thanks, Nacho! The fact that I understood what you wanted to show with this piece is a tribute to you as a master of your art form.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Nacho Diaz captures all of my favorite comedic sensibilities.

Look into the face of childhoods fancy turned surreal. Way too real. Truth.

Artist, Nacho Diaz recently lit up the internet with his incredible depiction of what "Bert" from Sesame Street would look like if he were an actual person. This work of art takes one of our childhood archetypes and places him squarely inches from our nose to reconsider what we've laughed at all of these years.Ourselves.

Seriously though, I can't help laughing at this disturbing creature.This piece exemplifies all of my favorite things in comedy.
Real. Creepy. Childlike. Unblinking unapologetic dead pan bizarity.

Hats off to you, Nacho, for a masterpiece of pop culture phenomenon. Thank you.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Where do you see yourself?

I was asked to write a piece to encourage the high school students at Santa Clara High which I graduated from in 1992.
Here's what I wrote.

School is more than just a place you are required by law to be. Sure the main purpose of going to school is to get an education that will make you a more capable human being and lead to a career that will feed you and possibly those you attach yourself to or create later in life. But high school is also a place where a lot of your likes and dislikes are cemented in your personality and you learn social lessons that educate you, culturally, for the rest of your life.

I was asked to write something for you because I am one of many graduates from Santa Clara High School who went on to experience success after graduating.
The truth is that every inch of success I achieved in life began at Santa Clara High.
I have toured North America with Cirque du Soleil performing for millions of people. I have entertained audiences throughout the entire Caribbean on massive cruise ships the size of Vallco Shopping Mall. I co-starred with Whoopi Goldberg, Dame Maggie Smith, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Lauren Hill in the Disney family film, “Sister Act 2”.

My first year at SC was in 1989. I was fifteen years old. I had been performing magic tricks and dressing up as different characters for friends and family. In my first year of high school I auditioned for the play “The Diary of Anne Frank” and was cast as "Peter". This was one of my first times performing in a theater and I loved it! I soon was enrolled in band playing the saxophone and singing in choir. If there were a performing art at Santa Clara High School, I wanted to be in it. Classrooms were just “stages” to me for captive audiences. By my sophomore year, I was firing on all cylinders and was doing every play and taking every opportunity to perform. I can remember, even now, high school assemblies and performers that came to the school who made a huge impression on me. “Mr. Enunciation”, taught proper and clear pronunciation of words which inspired my enjoyment of English class. Reading and writing was enjoyable to me and later helped me understand movie scripts and write lyrics for an off-Broadway musical production of “Titus Andronicus” from Shakespeare. A hysterical mime/comedian came to the school and interested me even more in physical comedy. The class trip to see the musical, “Les Miserables” at the San Jose Civic Light Opera inspired me to write a full parody of every song in the show and perform it in my classroom “theaters”. This gave me experience putting together rhyming verse and poetry which culminated in later producing my own hip hop albums and collaborating with a Cirque du Soleil composer to create one of the musical pieces in the creation of the show,”KOOZA”.

These examples are just a few of the memories that were given to me by Santa Clara High that influenced me in my decisions years later. The more I performed at school the more I wanted to perform outside of school in “the real world”.
I auditioned for California’s Great America theme park and became a costume character walking around the park and performing on stage in the show. The following year I took my experience doing school talent shows and shaped it with the help of a Bay Area magician, and got hired to do my own shows wherever I chose to street perform in the park. I was only seventeen years old and my time onstage at school and at the amusement park was piling up shaping into the beginning of a career in show business. School plays pushed me to do murder mystery dinner theater for the “Mystery CafĂ©” working with adult professional actors. And one school play, “Scared Scriptless” mated me with my life long love of improvisational comedy. The Comedy Sportz organization formed a high school league and I was able to excel until I became captain of our school improv team working with a great team of classmate improvisers. Improv has led me to Cirque du Soleil, to writing a book, to doing humor therapy workshops and to story and character design, working with Pendulum Aerial Arts in association with The Portland Art Museum.
Drama class moved me to be an extra in films such as, “Mrs. Doubtfire” and “So I Married an Axe Murderer” with Robin Williams and Mike Meyers. I did these films in my senior year. I got experience working on a movie set and becoming comfortable around stars and heavy motion picture equipment. A year later I was co-starring in the hit film, “Sister Act 2” living in Hollywood singing ( a’la choir) and dancing (a’la Great America) with a soon to be Grammy Award winning R&B star. Every one of my choices led me to the next level of the dream I saw laid out before me.

The point of all of this is that everything you are doing or NOT doing while attending Santa Clara High School is shaping the potential of your future. Opportunities are here for you now and if you are brave enough to grab them they can shape where you are in the future. But who am I to tell YOU what to do? Who the heck am I?
I’m an actor, a comedian, a writer, and a musician. I’m a magician, a juggler, a clown, and a motivational speaker.
Who the heck am I?
I am Santa Clara High School Alumni and I represent YOU and the possibilities you can extract from life. So go out and write your own story and be a part of a great lineage that is as diverse as Olympic champions, professional sports stars, graphic artists, and entertainers.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Perfect match for Curly in "Three Stooges" biopic by Farrelly Brothers!

Needless to say those who know me already know I am a perfect fit for the role of "Curly" in the upcoming film by The Farrelly Brothers, but allow me to strengthen this case with a few points. I grew up watching the Stooges at a young age (like most of us) and knew I wanted to be a comedian since second grade. I have been an improv and physical comedian professionally since the age of fifteen. The comedy I have written through the span of my career has always balanced between "edgy" physical comedy and classic.

The work I did co-creating the clown trio acts of Cirque du Soleil's "KOOZA" represents this well.
Classic and ridiculous. An homage to old and the sense of new.
I am now the same age as Curly Howard was when he was making these classic films.
Of similar build, I also have the comedic "chops" to honor this great bald comedian with the utmost respect.

I have sent e-mail submissions and physical packages , but I am continuing to find new ways to let my skills be offered.
Long live the Stooges!!

Please visit my You Tube Channel and watch my Curly audition from the script I received.
Note: There are not two other people to interact with so you'll have to visualize Moe. Or don't and just see a crazy man with a high pitched voice. Cheers!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

"Meeting Ice Cube" an excerpt from the upcoming book "Nothing Sacred, Nothing Holy" by Christian Fitzharris.

I never thought I’d be wearing leg warmers when I met gangster rapper/actor Ice Cube. I was headed to a rehearsal for an independent film I was shooting. In the movie I was portraying a bounty hunter alien who is zapped by a laser and transformed into a member of a boy band. I had a rehearsal to go to in Hollywood where I was going to be instructed by an ex-“Solid Gold” dancer, I was told. To truly center myself in the part of boy band member I put on orange leg warmers, yellow shorts, white t-shirt, sneakers, and big orange sunglasses with a yellow headband on my bald white head. I looked horrible, but felt funny so it should work out. I drove to a dance studio in Hollywood located next to Gold’s Gym. I parked my car a few blocks away and was walking to the studio behind four black guys when I realized the shortest one was “Ice Cube” from the gangsta rap group “N.W.A”. I grew up listening to N.W.A’s “Fuck the Police!”, but I would omit the curse word and end up only saying,”…the police!” over and over again which sounded like I was Dustin Hoffman in “Rain Man”. “Hot water burn baby!”

“Cube” I said to him, one foot behind his head. He turned around in almost perfect synchronicity with the three bodyguards surrounding him. His face looked exactly like that angry snarl that made him famous.
“Yeah,” he said, looking me up and down from my leg warmers to my giant orange glasses. I was very nervous and my voice quaked as I spoke, “I’m a big fan and a fellow actor/rapper. I write metaphysical hip hop and you have been a big inspiration to me. I loved “Westside Connection” so much that I got my sketch comedy group, “The Mock-Notz” tattooed on my back in old English see…”
I turned around reaching to my lower back lifting my shirt up to display my tattoo. “See”, I said. He grunted or made a small sound in response and I turned back around to see Ice Cube’s face looking completely pale. “I just wanted to tell you what huge influence you’ve had on me, Thank you!”
“Cool” he said as he gave me a “pound” banging his fist against mine. As he walked away I heard him say to his bodyguards, “I thought that white boy was going to kill me”. I was surprised he said that and ran through the whole exciting interaction again to see if I was missing something. Crazy looking boy band member in leg warmers and giant glasses walks up nervously rambling about what a fan he is and then reaches around to the small of his back where guns are carried and comes back empty handed! The movement for showing my tramp stamp tattoo looks identical to reaching around to produce a weapon to kill someone. Christian Fitzharris, the clown who almost killed Ice Cube, “The N*GG% You Love to Hate”.
Stay true to tha street!

Christian's Prison Theory.

On my international flight from Pittsburgh to Paris, I was overwhelmed by the hospitality. They served a good dinner complete with pasta, salad, bread, crackers cheese, and a brownie for desert. The wine and beer was complimentary and the staff was very accommodating. I thought to myself, “This is one of the best flights I’ve ever been on.” As I documented my experience in my journal and analyzed the situation it reminded of a theory I posited a few years ago. “Christian’s Prison Theory” has been an oral tradition passed on for hundreds upon hundreds of…days. “Christian’s Theory” states that life becomes more pleasurable when you are given back enjoyments or rights that were at one time taken away. To explain more clearly allow me to recess back to rudimentary arithmetic.
Yes, I know “I hate math.” Me too. I’m not very good at it. I still count on my fingers secretly while working out the tip at a restaurant while the waitress hovers over the table waiting to take back the check. But the good news is you don’t have to know math very well to understand my theory. You just have to know how to “take away” and “add”. For example: Cliff has ten rights. Take away seven of Cliff’s rights and how many rights does Cliff have? That’s right! I mean correct. Cliff has three rights left. How many rights has Cliff lost? Very good! Cliff lost seven rights.
Now here’s where “Christian’s Prison Theory” comes into play. When Cliff is given back two rights, how does Cliff feel? He feels excited and thankful, well done! He forgets that he lost seven and instead stays focused on winning back two. Now, ladies and gentlemen, how many rights is Cliff still missing? That’s right! Five rights! You’re sharp! “Christian’s Prison Theory” shows that as long as there is a long enough time between when the rights are taken away and when the small sampling of rights are given back, there will always be appreciative people ready to receive two of their seven rights back. It doesn’t matter that their seven rights should never have been taken away. As long as the period of time is long enough, they will always be happy and even surprised when even the smallest amount of rights are given back.
This ties back around to my fantastic flight across the Atlantic because I was so excited that there was “free” beer and wine and a hot meal or two on the plane and that the staff was so congenial. But there was a time not too long ago that this was common practice on all flights throughout the United States. Some even remember a time when you could smoke on airplanes and there was a cocktail lounge! Can you imagine?! When was this time? These people must be in they’re FOURTIES! I wonder if there were unicorns then? Probably not, but you were allowed to trim your nails from your carry on luggage and a small bottle of water was able to satiate your thirst without being dumped on a table next to a person in a badge while your throat remains unlubricated.
Hell, ten years ago I took North Carolina moonshine on a trip to Los Angeles and today that would be considered a “threat” just because it’s a gadgillion proof.( And no, “North Carolina Moonshine” was not a stripper I was travelling with. It was actual North Carolina moonshine from the backwoods. Given to me from an old wine jug into a mason jar. Flavored with peach. Or at least that’s what the guy in overalls told me as he got up from his Lazy Boy with a CB radio mic on one side and a pistol on the other.
“Christian’s Prison Theory” has to do with prison because YOUR disreputable ways have earned you a stay in the big house and you are removed from a free life. If you persist in your unruliness you will be isolated further and imperial impudence will have you in the modern equivalent of an iron maiden. Now if you spend long enough in the iron maiden when you are put into solitary confinement you are relieved and feel privileged not to be shackled piece for piece and immovable. It will be as if you are a free man, I imagine. Sure you’re not throwing beer bottles out of the roof of your Mercedes Benz on the 5 freeway coming back from L.A after a two day bender, but you will be free to move your arms and legs as you wish and you can scratch your nose when there is an itch and THAT is freedom in any language.
Liberte! Now, I could elucidate further by describing solitary confinement to being back on the street ,but it’s unnecessary. Being in an iron maiden and allowed to be in solitary confinement in a prison is just like not being given hot food and cool alcohol on an airplane traveling wherever you need. In first class their wine is distributed in bottles. In passenger class it is in chilled boxes. That’s because we’re savages who can’t be trusted with bottles. We may break it open and use it as a weapon or a toilet. Limit us to liter wine boxes and we are hard pressed to even hold an empty wine box rigid enough to pierce human flesh. Thus, “Christian’s Prison Theory”. You’re welcome.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy New Year!

1-1-11 huh?

Too binary for me, but maybe there's a surprise ending. I'll stick around. "Buy the ticket, take the ride"-HST

So 2010 is in the pooper and we have a clean trestle board to make our new plans upon.
I have a lot of homework to catch up on with this blog from the winter of 2010. It will come in small bursts.
My time in Paris was incredibly artistically inspiring while at the same time being relentless in everyday challenges. Even my escape from Charles de Gaulle was a learning experience, to say the least.

I am in the middle of producing some collaboration tracks with various artists. It's always fun to combine talents and styles in a semi-freeform art form.

I was interviewed on "The Bob Show" last night. More on that in the next day or so.

Much to look forward to in 2011 and I couldn't have made it this far without my kick ass soul warrior, Pristine.
I love you , my girl.

Now let's make this year regret its birth only hours after its arrival! We'll teach that wannabe Flavor Flav, Baby New Year, what life is really about and make him regret this day that he was born!

All the best in the New Year to all of my friends and family!