The scintillating life of Creative Director/ Variety Entertainer, Christian Fitzharris, and his never ending voyage to do everything in the world. ( at a respectful pace... of course)

Thursday, January 20, 2011

"Meeting Ice Cube" an excerpt from the upcoming book "Nothing Sacred, Nothing Holy" by Christian Fitzharris.

I never thought I’d be wearing leg warmers when I met gangster rapper/actor Ice Cube. I was headed to a rehearsal for an independent film I was shooting. In the movie I was portraying a bounty hunter alien who is zapped by a laser and transformed into a member of a boy band. I had a rehearsal to go to in Hollywood where I was going to be instructed by an ex-“Solid Gold” dancer, I was told. To truly center myself in the part of boy band member I put on orange leg warmers, yellow shorts, white t-shirt, sneakers, and big orange sunglasses with a yellow headband on my bald white head. I looked horrible, but felt funny so it should work out. I drove to a dance studio in Hollywood located next to Gold’s Gym. I parked my car a few blocks away and was walking to the studio behind four black guys when I realized the shortest one was “Ice Cube” from the gangsta rap group “N.W.A”. I grew up listening to N.W.A’s “Fuck the Police!”, but I would omit the curse word and end up only saying,”…the police!” over and over again which sounded like I was Dustin Hoffman in “Rain Man”. “Hot water burn baby!”

“Cube” I said to him, one foot behind his head. He turned around in almost perfect synchronicity with the three bodyguards surrounding him. His face looked exactly like that angry snarl that made him famous.
“Yeah,” he said, looking me up and down from my leg warmers to my giant orange glasses. I was very nervous and my voice quaked as I spoke, “I’m a big fan and a fellow actor/rapper. I write metaphysical hip hop and you have been a big inspiration to me. I loved “Westside Connection” so much that I got my sketch comedy group, “The Mock-Notz” tattooed on my back in old English see…”
I turned around reaching to my lower back lifting my shirt up to display my tattoo. “See”, I said. He grunted or made a small sound in response and I turned back around to see Ice Cube’s face looking completely pale. “I just wanted to tell you what huge influence you’ve had on me, Thank you!”
“Cool” he said as he gave me a “pound” banging his fist against mine. As he walked away I heard him say to his bodyguards, “I thought that white boy was going to kill me”. I was surprised he said that and ran through the whole exciting interaction again to see if I was missing something. Crazy looking boy band member in leg warmers and giant glasses walks up nervously rambling about what a fan he is and then reaches around to the small of his back where guns are carried and comes back empty handed! The movement for showing my tramp stamp tattoo looks identical to reaching around to produce a weapon to kill someone. Christian Fitzharris, the clown who almost killed Ice Cube, “The N*GG% You Love to Hate”.
Stay true to tha street!

Christian's Prison Theory.

On my international flight from Pittsburgh to Paris, I was overwhelmed by the hospitality. They served a good dinner complete with pasta, salad, bread, crackers cheese, and a brownie for desert. The wine and beer was complimentary and the staff was very accommodating. I thought to myself, “This is one of the best flights I’ve ever been on.” As I documented my experience in my journal and analyzed the situation it reminded of a theory I posited a few years ago. “Christian’s Prison Theory” has been an oral tradition passed on for hundreds upon hundreds of…days. “Christian’s Theory” states that life becomes more pleasurable when you are given back enjoyments or rights that were at one time taken away. To explain more clearly allow me to recess back to rudimentary arithmetic.
Yes, I know “I hate math.” Me too. I’m not very good at it. I still count on my fingers secretly while working out the tip at a restaurant while the waitress hovers over the table waiting to take back the check. But the good news is you don’t have to know math very well to understand my theory. You just have to know how to “take away” and “add”. For example: Cliff has ten rights. Take away seven of Cliff’s rights and how many rights does Cliff have? That’s right! I mean correct. Cliff has three rights left. How many rights has Cliff lost? Very good! Cliff lost seven rights.
Now here’s where “Christian’s Prison Theory” comes into play. When Cliff is given back two rights, how does Cliff feel? He feels excited and thankful, well done! He forgets that he lost seven and instead stays focused on winning back two. Now, ladies and gentlemen, how many rights is Cliff still missing? That’s right! Five rights! You’re sharp! “Christian’s Prison Theory” shows that as long as there is a long enough time between when the rights are taken away and when the small sampling of rights are given back, there will always be appreciative people ready to receive two of their seven rights back. It doesn’t matter that their seven rights should never have been taken away. As long as the period of time is long enough, they will always be happy and even surprised when even the smallest amount of rights are given back.
This ties back around to my fantastic flight across the Atlantic because I was so excited that there was “free” beer and wine and a hot meal or two on the plane and that the staff was so congenial. But there was a time not too long ago that this was common practice on all flights throughout the United States. Some even remember a time when you could smoke on airplanes and there was a cocktail lounge! Can you imagine?! When was this time? These people must be in they’re FOURTIES! I wonder if there were unicorns then? Probably not, but you were allowed to trim your nails from your carry on luggage and a small bottle of water was able to satiate your thirst without being dumped on a table next to a person in a badge while your throat remains unlubricated.
Hell, ten years ago I took North Carolina moonshine on a trip to Los Angeles and today that would be considered a “threat” just because it’s a gadgillion proof.( And no, “North Carolina Moonshine” was not a stripper I was travelling with. It was actual North Carolina moonshine from the backwoods. Given to me from an old wine jug into a mason jar. Flavored with peach. Or at least that’s what the guy in overalls told me as he got up from his Lazy Boy with a CB radio mic on one side and a pistol on the other.
“Christian’s Prison Theory” has to do with prison because YOUR disreputable ways have earned you a stay in the big house and you are removed from a free life. If you persist in your unruliness you will be isolated further and imperial impudence will have you in the modern equivalent of an iron maiden. Now if you spend long enough in the iron maiden when you are put into solitary confinement you are relieved and feel privileged not to be shackled piece for piece and immovable. It will be as if you are a free man, I imagine. Sure you’re not throwing beer bottles out of the roof of your Mercedes Benz on the 5 freeway coming back from L.A after a two day bender, but you will be free to move your arms and legs as you wish and you can scratch your nose when there is an itch and THAT is freedom in any language.
Liberte! Now, I could elucidate further by describing solitary confinement to being back on the street ,but it’s unnecessary. Being in an iron maiden and allowed to be in solitary confinement in a prison is just like not being given hot food and cool alcohol on an airplane traveling wherever you need. In first class their wine is distributed in bottles. In passenger class it is in chilled boxes. That’s because we’re savages who can’t be trusted with bottles. We may break it open and use it as a weapon or a toilet. Limit us to liter wine boxes and we are hard pressed to even hold an empty wine box rigid enough to pierce human flesh. Thus, “Christian’s Prison Theory”. You’re welcome.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy New Year!

1-1-11 huh?

Too binary for me, but maybe there's a surprise ending. I'll stick around. "Buy the ticket, take the ride"-HST

So 2010 is in the pooper and we have a clean trestle board to make our new plans upon.
I have a lot of homework to catch up on with this blog from the winter of 2010. It will come in small bursts.
My time in Paris was incredibly artistically inspiring while at the same time being relentless in everyday challenges. Even my escape from Charles de Gaulle was a learning experience, to say the least.

I am in the middle of producing some collaboration tracks with various artists. It's always fun to combine talents and styles in a semi-freeform art form.

I was interviewed on "The Bob Show" last night. More on that in the next day or so.

Much to look forward to in 2011 and I couldn't have made it this far without my kick ass soul warrior, Pristine.
I love you , my girl.

Now let's make this year regret its birth only hours after its arrival! We'll teach that wannabe Flavor Flav, Baby New Year, what life is really about and make him regret this day that he was born!

All the best in the New Year to all of my friends and family!